Pedro Oliveira
To honor May 4, 2022, which is officially known as Star Wars Day (the great sci-fi movie series and saga), we’ve compiled a list of five Star Wars characters as current athletes of the world’s most popular professional sports. We didn’t utilize any criterion for this list other than the fact that we’re bored, honestly. However, as a fan of the films (at least the first six), it seemed like an excellent excuse to maximize my time at work (haha).
Without further ado, here is a rating of Star Wars characters and their professional athlete equivalents.
Star Wars characters if they were professional athletes in the real world
Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sidious) – Rob Manfred
Two older people and that many people hate: I think there is no need for more requirements to qualify in this category. The MLB commissioner’s job has been criticized in recent years to the point of becoming the number one enemy of any player and baseball fan. You simply have to look at what happened during the 2022 MLB Lockout to see proof: we almost didn’t have a Major League season because of this person and his gang. Besides, they look like twins in that photo.
Chewbacca – Ryan Fitzpatrick
There’s no question that someone hairy has to fill in for the galaxy’s most famous Wookie on Earth. He’s also a hulking being with good aim (well, at least he’s decent at it). The 39-year-old Fitzpatrick is still in the NFL, albeit without a team, as he recovers from an injury that kept him out last season. I don’t believe there is another human being on the planet right now that looks more like Chewie (or at least playing a professional sport, in which case I am unaware of his presence).
Jar Jar Binks – Kyrie Irving
Physically, it is impossible for anyone to look like Jar Jar, but spiritually I think there is no one like Kyrie to be his counterpart on Planet Earth: both are strange beings that no one understands, who are criticized and even hated by many, but always end up doing their own thing. There is no better description for Jar Jar Binks, and really, no better description for Kyrie Irving either. The only thing that could separate them is that Jar Jar is capable of believing that the Earth is round, unlike Kyrie.
R2-D2 – José Altuve
Small, compact, charismatic and excellent at their job: ding ding! No one can fill that role better than José Altuve. In addition to being a pillar and leader in the Houston Astros locker room, he is one of the most mediatic characters among MLB Latinos, just as R2-D2 is among Star Wars characters, even though he is a simple robot. A perfect comparison.
Han Solo – Aaron Rodgers
Speaking of charismatic people (for better or worse), Rodgers and Solo have a lot in common: they like to be the center of attention, they are stylish even in the way they execute their profession, they are hated by many and loved by others thanks to their rebellious nature, and most important of all, they both have excellent marksmanship. Han didn’t need to be the winning hero of the galaxy to go down in history, and Rodgers probably doesn’t need to win an NFL championship either, even if deep inside he’s dying to win one.
Yoda – Chris Paul
They’re both small (well, for many people on Earth CP3 is definetely not small) in their field of expertise, they are agile, with great handling of the lightsaber (or ball) as well as being full of experience and wisdom. Chris Paul, 36, continues to defy aging in the NBA, maturing into a more productive and dangerous player despite the fact that his greatest years were supposed to be behind him. The same thing happens with Yoda in Star Wars: the more time passed, the more powerful he became, well, until he ceased to exist.
Yoda is a born but quiet leader, much like Paul is with the Phoenix Suns right now.
Obi-Wan Kenobi – Cristiano Ronaldo
At the age of 37, Cristiano Ronaldo continues to demonstrate that heroes never retire. We’ve seen him become a sensation in world soccer to the point that, even in his older years, he continues to dominate Europe’s top divisions. This was exactly what happened in Star Wars: we saw Obi-Wan grow into someone capable enough to last in time as one of the best Jedi in history. They also share mentoring roles, although it is not clear to us who Cristiano is mentoring in the mess that is Manchester United.
Leia Skywalker – Katie Ledecky
Both are young and great, both are royalty for different reasons, but they are also victors, successful, gorgeous, and resolute in anything they set their minds to. At 25 years of age, Ledecky is already a multi-Olympic medalist, and few can master her discipline as well as she does underwater. Leia represented much in the present and future of the galaxy, just as Katie represents the present and future of swimming and the United States.
Luke Skywalker – Ronald Acuña Jr.
There are two clear attributes that these two share: the first is their rebellious attitude towards the authorities, oppression and anything that opposes freedom (although in Ronald’s case, we know it is not so serious). Acuña has been one of the most criticized characters in Major Leagues Baseball due to his attitude, his accessories and the way he performs on the field; however, no one can deny that he is the next sensation in the sport. Just as Luke was for the entire galaxy.
The second similarity is that Skywalker lost his hand and Acuña came close to losing his knee. Yes, I couldn’t think of anything else, sorry. But in and of itself, the idea of the Atlanta Braves starcoming to rid us of baseball purism is pretty solid.
Darth Vader – LeBron James
James couldn’t save the galaxy with the Cleveland Cavaliers in his first few years as a star of the NBA, so he had to become the league’s main villain by joining the Miami Heat with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, forming perhaps the most hated super-team so far in basketball history. After accomplishing his task, James returned to the good side (the Cavaliers) and defeated the true empire, the Golden State Warriors, in one of the most epic finals ever seen in the modern era of sports, giving Cleveland the championship they had long awaited.
Vader did the same thing; he was both good and bad, but in the end, he did the right thing for the galaxy. I almost wrote a novel and I really hope you appreciate it, it doesn’t get any better than this (I promise).
C-3PO – Zlatan Ibrahimović
Well, I warned you, you can see that this comparison makes almost no sense, and to be honest, I’ve run out of ideas. But, at the end of the day, C-3PO and the Swede have a few things in common: both have lived a long time (Zlatan is approaching 41), and both spend their time with some broken body part. For me, it is more than enough to fit this comparison.
